up north

hi

today in anchor bay/gualala/point arena

the kids are up by themselves in the morning and i hear them being fed breakfast and then playing outside in the huge huge fenced in yard--maya, miles and toddler kevin. there are tall pointy redwoods, and blue sky and sun by 10. sam the black and white terrier is in love with us, especially miles. we load up and visit the anchor bay beach right down the hill. a small curved bay with rocks to climb on jutting out of the sand and surf, a few blond and red-haired kids digging a booby trap, a tidal pond to splash in. houses on the cliffs above with long skinny staircases down to the beach. a fisherman shows off his pile of orange rockfish. hawks are circling overhead and i bury the kids and cover them with sand: maya a mermaid with little sand boobies, miles a torso being swallowed by a shark. lisa tells the story of a tourist up here for a meditation retreat sitting on a rock in the sea, being swept away forever by a rogue wave.

in the afternoon we go to the gualala river and swim in the cold clear swimming holes. miles jumps off a rock, i even take a dip. kevin throws rock ofter rock to hear the plop, maya is miserable about the lack of a toilet as i help her crouch on rocks under flowers which turn out to be covered by buzzing bees, and we capture a tadpole in a cup with tiny tiny legs.

afterwards i treat us all to dinner in a child-friendly restaurant. the kids are perfect with two huge tvs to watch, and we bump into our one friend up here with a kid miles' age. they play tag on the outside deck looking over the huge pacific and no one cares.

it is huge and clean and beautiful up here. much as i dread and don't enjoy the journey from sf, it is worth it. it is midnight and dead silent and dark. if i stop typing i can hear the quiet ringing in my ears--do you know what i mean?

sweet dreams

keeping busy not taking the yearly trek back east and trying not to be sad about it

the peach tree is dropping about 25 ripe peaches onto the ground every day. on saturday maya and i took two bags out on a walk. we gave the first one to a speed freak guy who is almost constantly in motion around the neighborhood. we went into the little take out deli place to see if they had mason jars to seal up the peaches and they didn't, but the counter guy offered to trade us, which we did, a bag of peaches for a big delicious chicken tarragon sandwich and curried cauliflower salad.

we spent saturday night in brisbane celebrating julia's 40th with naked children dancing, margaritas, water balloons, maya and natalie disappearing for hours to play complicated pretend games while miles and edison happily beat on each other and the grownups got nostalgic. little russell did some head-banging to a thin lizzy song rich played on guitar. where should we live decision of the moment: if we flee the city it will be for brisbane. we can trade in what we've got for a terraced view of the bay and beyond, safety, quiet, christmas light stars and sports and sports and more sports.

sunday i took miles for some culture downtown, the sf free theater festival. we watched lots of adults entertaining kids--psychotic clowns, storytellers, physical comedy, pirates, jugglers. but what i loved where the kid entertainers. we saw our acquaintance isabel singing excerpts from the sound of music, an amazing grease with long-haired drummer and teenagers from the mission singing and dancing, but my favorite was a group called the habit project from petaluma. they were from about 10-17, all beautiful kids in white shirts and black pants, full of joy but somber, singing and playing guitar, very adult songs about being fucked up, being in love, making stupid decisions. while listening i didn't know what the theme was but knew it was deep and the kids were special. i was ready to sign miles up, even if he would be learning about drinking and bad relationships and adult stuff. somehow it all worked, it was beautiful.

we crawled home on two buses. my little big guy has taken to wanting to hold my hand again lately. he does a little skip thing most of the time instead of walking.

today he wore his school uniform to the park. the kids climbed, were friendly enough with strangers to play soccer with them, maya scored a little baby and stroller she took care of for a long time. maya and miles were on the seesaw for a long time, moving the weights back and forth, going up and down, up and down, some bumps but mostly laughing.

tomorrow we head up north to point arena. miss you
love, jamie

freedom from training wheels

man i love this stuff. ever since i was a child, going to newark community days and checking out all the arts and crafts booths and live music and hula hoops in the grass and even having a picture hung on a tree in the kids art show. i loved sunday streets in the mission today, with bicyclists blasting michael jackson off their bikes on the closed off streets, my kids walking and biking down what is usually a traffic-filled danger zone, so many happy people, bumping into friends, the freedom from training wheels workshop (miles is training wheel free now!). merchants outside their stores, jumpy castles governed by teenagers from the bernal dwellings, a duo playing songs about coffee and cigarettes, a man offering free massage in spanish and english on a massage table outside his house, and yes hula hoops on the grass.

only once every few weeks, but maybe these sunday streets events really will get some things rolling, maybe someday we will close off the streets once a week, or even more! more and more people will want bikes and want to spend time walking and talking on the wide neighborhood streets. who thought to make this happen? i want to thank them.

we had friends over later and ate burnt grilled chicken and drank just enough beer and the kids played star wars and went to bed happy and quickly.

the wind is blowing hard now, over and out, goodnight.

movie night

well, we survived the giant's county fair today with david and emily. the 48 bus and the fancy new t line took us to borders, we ate burgers and then went to a sleazy kind of carnival by the ballpark, full of vendors desperate for us to throw balls and rings at bottles and squirt water for prizes. miles and emily teamed up for the rides up to 48" and maya and i spent some peaceful moments on the baby rides together. no baby animals or giant vegetables around. afterwards we went to chill out in the grass by the waterfront. a dude was down there having a great time playing electric guitar all by himself and miles and emily and maya played along on their inflatable guitars won at the fair (maya actually played a giant inflatable hammer with pretty pink pirate skulls). we made the journey back up and over potrero hill and met up with a little girl from miles' school.

now it is movie night and the kids and rich are watching star wars for fifth consecutive friday.

i guess it is okay to say this--i have been very anxious lately. i am finally starting to do something about it. everyone tells me it is normal to be worried about things, but all this worry is really getting to be too much, and my world is shrinking. i won't go into the details. but, for those who know me, it does help to share.

does living in the city contribute to the anxiety? if there was no scary traffic outside would i worry about people breaking into the house and kidnapping the kids in a sleepy suburb instead? or about mountain lions carrying them away in the countryside?

this weekend is chock full of things to do. mandarin classes, friends' bbqs, visits with new friends. flipper playing, sunday streets in the mission with all kinds of cool stuff, freedom from training wheels workshop for miles. it's not boring to be here. maybe all this activity keeps some of the worry at bay. maybe it is all a wash. who knows.

maya wants me to watch star wars with her because she is worried about luke. so there you go. i'm going to go and hold her on my lap and watch the good guys prevail.

4th of july

here is the gang that stayed in sonoma for fourth of july, and the two cinder blocks miles and i found and tucked some mexican feather grass into to beautify (?) our sidewalk.

sonoma was all about warm weather and cannonballs in the condo pool, fireworks and the big parade, walks to the square, ducks and ducklings, wine, pizza, and kids getting to wander in and out of front doors without me having a panic attack. miles made a buddy at the pool through an elaborate squirt gun war that ended up with the little boys holding hands while jumping in the pool. maya discovered the joy of floating with water wings and channeled her inner mermaid for a long long time. this was the first time i left sonoma thinking "maybe we could live there, someday, maybe..."

there was one sexy odd float in the parade that got everyone excited, a huge step van with pole dancers on the outside, something butthole surferish playing, a man with a microphone intoning wierd prose about liberty and an amazing vibe that brought me back to me experimental youth--past burning man and parties in philly to the distant past of newark and DAMON KHAN. something about the sight and music of this float actually got me teary eyed, i miss this feeling so much, i want to be on a float like this that gets the sonomans laughing and a little confused, i need my creative partners to be with me and my kids as i slip into my 40s.

rich suggested our own float for next year, "relatives of josy". anyone want to join?

and let's keep fighting for freedom--why do we have less freedom on an institutional level than much of the "first world"???

july 1

maya loving herself some pinata and miles in an abandoned fort on epic angel island, on our hike to quarry beach.

the apartment below us is empty. i had some hopes for a friendly family to move in, maybe even friends, but it will be taken by four women, strangers, though as i keep telling maya, not all strangers are bad.

an acquaintance at a birthday party on beautiful sunday in a lovely potrero home told me she had left sf and moved across the street from her best friend in albany and how she was loving it, and i felt a hard pang of jealousy. the kids ended up buck naked, we drank margaritas and chatted, they climbed in boxes and maya sang about butt cheeks and miles watched entranced as his little naked girl buddy did an interpretive dance standing on a cardboard box, about a flower growing up, on a stormy night.

today we went to the samurai exhibit at the asian art museum and it was all very amazing and old but i did not feel connected to the art or the artists. on the way home miles and i found a new seafood store on 24th street, with live crabs and lobsters, eel, huge shrimp. he said to the owner in mandarin "i like to eat fish."

birds are going crazy outside. we made a plum pie with plums from the yard yesterday and it was delicious.

love you, miss you